Columnist William Raspberry recently claimed to be auditioning for a nationally syndicated advice show to exploit the lucrative shrink-advice radio market. His column was a spoof of radio personality Dr. Laura Schlesinger, whose program is carried locally (in Macon GA) on WMWR, AM940 (9am-noon) {now WMAC}. Raspberry explored Schlesinger's qualifications to give advice — a Ph.D. in physiology. Anyone suffering muscle spasms while spilling their emotional guts will be in good hands.

Such radio programs are voyeuristic and pathetic at best, and often downright sadistic. Are the callers actors? Or are there really that many masochist loons eager to take their private problems national and have the host pound them into sniveling mush?

You Dr. Laura fans should get a life and quit eavesdropping on these pathetic people (actors?). Her show is like sleaze TV (Montel, Sally or Geraldo) without pictures or empathy; it's audio Dear Abby with attitude. Dr. Laura's no whimpering Donahue-type liberal who feels our pain; she's brutal and to the point. A typical call goes like this:

"Hello, Gertrude from Boise, this is Dr. Laura, you're on the air."

"Wow! {squeal} What an honor! I'm a big fan! I've always wanted to talk to you."

"Gertrude, {sigh} why did you call?"

"Uhh...oh yes! I have this problem and I wanted your advice."

"Oh, really? What's your pathetic problem?"

"Well, I have this boyfriend, see, who wants to date me but he has this wife that doesn't approve."

"So, basically, you're a two-bit floozy and adulterous tramp who wants to wallow in self-pity. Right?

"Well..."

"Well, stop whining, you cheap hussy, and go out and face the day! Thanks for calling."

To summarize Dr. Laura's show, imagine the above conversation repeated for several hours and punctuated with commercials and news breaks.

I was once a regular listener of talk radio in the early mornings. KennyB and Tanya Tanner discussed local issues (Macon GA) and news stories from various sources. Naturally, since it was an enjoyable program, it was changed.

The management (I use the term loosely) at WMWR decided to go with a nationally syndicated morning show and lace it with brief segments of KennyB doing local interviews. Invariably, when I tune in, it's not KennyB but those yahoos from the national show (NeckBreak, Jail-Break, Failed-Brake — something like that).

From limited listening, I can summarize the show as follows: Noise. OK, I'll elaborate. There's these two perky, happy-sounding guys (Bubba and Earl, I think) who do rapid-fire interviews at breakneck speeds with book authors — punctuated with mindless chatter.

A typical segment goes like this:

"Hey! We're talking with Heathbert Farnesworth who wrote the book, `Nuclear Physics for Laymen.' Welcome to the show; where are you calling from, Heathbert?"

"Cleveland."

"Super weather they're having in Cleveland, eh, Heathbert? Tell us a little about the book and how physics applies to the everyday man."

"Well, physics is kind of complicated, but — "

"Heathbert, pep it up, we've got ten seconds here!"

"Well, umm, err — "

"Hey! Thanks for joining us, Heathbert, we gotta run now....wasn't that interesting?"

With pitiful competition like this, consider this column my audition for a new radio advice program. Primarily, I'll take calls from confused radio station owners and programmers. I'll criticize all their selections (except for my show, of course) and tell them how rapidly their market share is shrinking.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Steve, and you're on the air with the Radio Doctor."

"Yes, I own an AM station in central Georgia, and I'm debating whether or not to drop this cheesy national morning show and return to a local format. What do you think?"

"I see. First of all, you moron, why are you asking a clueless radio host? Look, it's obvious to anyone that the Neckbreak program stinks. Stick with local interest stuff, knucklehead, and stop trying to be trendy and FM-ish."

"Well, OK, but — "

"Hey, we gotta scoot, thanks for calling."

Radio syndicators, my agent awaits your call.

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